Some things never change....

I've been at BYU for over a year now and lately I have been thinking back to how I got here. I was going through old pictures and messages a few days ago, while procrastinating studying for my midterms, and I was thinking about why I really wanted to come here in the first place. I think some people think I came out here for different reasons, but I realized I applied to BYU for one reason and one reason only... for ME! I applied because I wanted to come here. Because I wanted to get a kick butt education. Because I wanted to change, grow, and learn. I didn't come here because of my parents or so I could get boyfriend/husband or just get away from home. If I had come out here for any reason other reason than because I wanted to then I would not be here anymore. As hard as it is, I would have bailed after my first semester if I had come out here for any other reason. Sure, I had many people encourage me to come and their words helped me remember why I had wanted to come here a few years back, but I knew I had to apply and come here because I wanted to or else I would not succeed. That was just something I wanted to clear up.
WITH that being said, I said that I wanted to come out here to change and grow. I have been thinking about how I have changed so much in the past year, but at the same time, I haven't changed much at all. I decided to take a little trip down memory lane, via Facebook posts, and look at my journey to BYU and how I haven't changed as much as I thought.

Fun fact: I was actually rejected from BYU when I applied in high school, much to my relief at the time.

I decided to go to Piedmont Community College instead of University of North Carolina at Greensboro or Southern Virginia University. For some reason, I was nervous for my first of classes. The beginning of the two easiest years of school I had ever experienced. True Story. I still get nervous before first days. 

I've always been pretty confident in myself. Sure, my confidence falters at times, especially when I surrounded by so many beautiful and smart people, but I still say things like this. This is one of my best statuses to date.

This is still true and I say it with much more conviction than I did before. My mom is the bomb and I would not be surviving BYU without her support, love, and advice.

I'm still holding out for this man. I am more likely to find him here than back home!

I think I have more statuses about sleeping than anything else. There were about 5 others about sleeping... My love for naps and sleeping has not changed... at all. 

My musical tastes haven't changed too much either. I still love Andy Grammer with every piece of my heart. His music still brings me the same amount of joy. (He's on Dancing With the Stars, so you should probably vote for him...)

Staying on the subject of music, my feelings for Taylor Swift have changed... I used to really like her. Now I really LOVE her. Her newest album was basically my life at the time. It reminds me so much of my first semester here. I am still waiting for the day I turn 22 just so I can sing that year and finally mean it! Also, that is still one of my favorite music videos. 

My room is still pretty messy and I still really do not enjoy how long it takes to clean it. I also still wish I could be Mary Poppins.

First year of PCC was done and I rewarded myself. I reward myself now for actually getting out of bed to make myself look decent for class. It really is a big accomplishment for me. I usually do reward myself with food, too. 

I am still utterly and completely obsessed with my nephews. I love those precious little boys so dang much. Ask my roommates, I talk about how cute they are very often and they have been my phone lock screen since I got my phone. I love them with every part of me and miss them so much! I can't wait to snuggle with them at Christmas! (I also still love Spider-Man!)

I am still extremely proud to call myself "Mark Phillips' daughter." I love being able to call him and talk about school and life in Provo and to have him relate with me. It's something really cool and special to me. I also still like to brag that he's a City Councilman and basically a big deal! 

These kinds of things still happen and they happen more often than they used to. I cry when I see small children. I cry when I hear the marching band. I cry when I watch cheesy commercials. It doesn't take much but a little bit of joy or something sentimental to make my eyes fill with tears. I blame Dad. 

This shows a little bit of my process of getting my application in. I remember the anxiety I felt applying and waiting for the decision. I have been feeling that anxiety as I have applied for things and am now waiting for the results. I also spent like 2 weeks finishing those essays. I definitely still do that with application essays

THEN, I finally got in! I found out at like 12:30 in the morning, so I had to keep the news in the whole next day until I could tell Mom and Dad at the same time! I made those little papers for my parents and put them in boxes and made them open them together. They were pretty excited. I still like to tell big news in somewhat cheesy and creative ways... that's just me. 

That was one of the happiest moments of my life. Just seeing how happy and proud my parents were warmed my heart and still does. From that moment on, I started getting ready. I was actually pretty terrified. That summer before I left, I legit lost 10 pounds. I couldn't eat much because I had so much anxiety about leaving. Even with the anxiety, I was so stinking excited and I am still excited and proud to be attending this great university. It has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. 

I wanted to save this one for last because I feel that is has been one of the things that has affected me the most being in Utah. I love and appreciate my family so much more than I ever did before. I miss them all the time, but I am happy we have technology so I can call them whenever I want. We actually all Facetimed the other week on two separate phones so we could all talk together. (Everyone, but Lauren. She was there in spirit!)  I am literally counting down the days until I come home for Christmas and we don't have to Skype AND Facetime each other because we will actually be all together! It's going to be the best and I can't wait!

I could have gone back further and found more, but that would taken more time than this already did. It's always nice to look back at your life and see how you've grown. I have done a lot of growing in the past year and I still have a lot more to do, but I am thankful that I have stayed true to who I am. I haven't abandoned my weird self to try and be someone else and I am proud of myself for that. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I encourage you to take a little trip down your own memory lane and see how you have grown. I enjoyed it and I hope you do, too. 

-M. Philly

Abide With Me

Something I didn't think I would say before I moved out here to Utah is that I would be homesick a lot. Boy, was I wrong. I am sitting here studying for my Doctrine and Covenants test and listening to some hymns, hoping that the spiritual music will make the things I am studying stick in my mind better. As I am sitting here, I began to think of my family, as I do fairly often. I have been thinking of them more than usual this weekend with General Conference and I just miss them. My heart is heavy because I so want to be with them right now. I want to be sitting around laughing with them. I want to be playing games with them. I want to be laying in my bed, knowing they are just next door. I just feel a bit lonely and empty without them. It's funny that it's taken me almost 20 years to appreciate them as much as I do. I talk with my friends about family and I see how amazing mine is and how they are the perfect family for me. No other group of people could love me the way they do. I laugh more with them than I do with anyone else. I feel more joy when I am with them than I do anywhere else. I think, as we are apart from each other, of how happy the day will be when we can live together in Heaven for all time and eternity. When I get down like this, I have to keep reminding myself of that sweet blessing the Lord has given us. It motivates me to keep going and to try to be better so I can make it to the Celestial Kingdom with the rest of my family. I want, more than anything, to be with them forever in the presence of my Heavenly Father and my brother, Jesus Christ.

I was doing alright, sitting here studying, (and by fine I mean not crying or feeling overly emotional as I do now) until the hymn "Abide with Me" came on my playlist. Like I said, I sometimes feel lonely without my family, but I often forget that I do have family with me always. I have my Heavenly Father always watching over me every moment of every day. I have a brother who is walking with me every day and wraps his arms around me and can fill my heart with love, if I just let him. He is the only person that know exactly how I feel every moment of every day. I so easily get caught up thinking about not having my physical family here to hug me or be with me that I forget that he can bring those feelings of peace and love to my heart without physically being here. He is here and he is abiding with me. 

I pray that I can keep myself worthy of having Christ's and Heavenly Father's influence in my life, so I can feel their love through the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. I'll still miss my family and want them to be with me, but if I can remember to call upon the Lord when I am feeling lonely, I know my heart will feel whole and filled with love.

"Oh, Savior stay this night with me. Behold, tis' eventide." 

-M. Philly

https://play.spotify.com/track/4EkLfATJpgXuQotYgVeR8T