Some things never change....

I've been at BYU for over a year now and lately I have been thinking back to how I got here. I was going through old pictures and messages a few days ago, while procrastinating studying for my midterms, and I was thinking about why I really wanted to come here in the first place. I think some people think I came out here for different reasons, but I realized I applied to BYU for one reason and one reason only... for ME! I applied because I wanted to come here. Because I wanted to get a kick butt education. Because I wanted to change, grow, and learn. I didn't come here because of my parents or so I could get boyfriend/husband or just get away from home. If I had come out here for any reason other reason than because I wanted to then I would not be here anymore. As hard as it is, I would have bailed after my first semester if I had come out here for any other reason. Sure, I had many people encourage me to come and their words helped me remember why I had wanted to come here a few years back, but I knew I had to apply and come here because I wanted to or else I would not succeed. That was just something I wanted to clear up.
WITH that being said, I said that I wanted to come out here to change and grow. I have been thinking about how I have changed so much in the past year, but at the same time, I haven't changed much at all. I decided to take a little trip down memory lane, via Facebook posts, and look at my journey to BYU and how I haven't changed as much as I thought.

Fun fact: I was actually rejected from BYU when I applied in high school, much to my relief at the time.

I decided to go to Piedmont Community College instead of University of North Carolina at Greensboro or Southern Virginia University. For some reason, I was nervous for my first of classes. The beginning of the two easiest years of school I had ever experienced. True Story. I still get nervous before first days. 

I've always been pretty confident in myself. Sure, my confidence falters at times, especially when I surrounded by so many beautiful and smart people, but I still say things like this. This is one of my best statuses to date.

This is still true and I say it with much more conviction than I did before. My mom is the bomb and I would not be surviving BYU without her support, love, and advice.

I'm still holding out for this man. I am more likely to find him here than back home!

I think I have more statuses about sleeping than anything else. There were about 5 others about sleeping... My love for naps and sleeping has not changed... at all. 

My musical tastes haven't changed too much either. I still love Andy Grammer with every piece of my heart. His music still brings me the same amount of joy. (He's on Dancing With the Stars, so you should probably vote for him...)

Staying on the subject of music, my feelings for Taylor Swift have changed... I used to really like her. Now I really LOVE her. Her newest album was basically my life at the time. It reminds me so much of my first semester here. I am still waiting for the day I turn 22 just so I can sing that year and finally mean it! Also, that is still one of my favorite music videos. 

My room is still pretty messy and I still really do not enjoy how long it takes to clean it. I also still wish I could be Mary Poppins.

First year of PCC was done and I rewarded myself. I reward myself now for actually getting out of bed to make myself look decent for class. It really is a big accomplishment for me. I usually do reward myself with food, too. 

I am still utterly and completely obsessed with my nephews. I love those precious little boys so dang much. Ask my roommates, I talk about how cute they are very often and they have been my phone lock screen since I got my phone. I love them with every part of me and miss them so much! I can't wait to snuggle with them at Christmas! (I also still love Spider-Man!)

I am still extremely proud to call myself "Mark Phillips' daughter." I love being able to call him and talk about school and life in Provo and to have him relate with me. It's something really cool and special to me. I also still like to brag that he's a City Councilman and basically a big deal! 

These kinds of things still happen and they happen more often than they used to. I cry when I see small children. I cry when I hear the marching band. I cry when I watch cheesy commercials. It doesn't take much but a little bit of joy or something sentimental to make my eyes fill with tears. I blame Dad. 

This shows a little bit of my process of getting my application in. I remember the anxiety I felt applying and waiting for the decision. I have been feeling that anxiety as I have applied for things and am now waiting for the results. I also spent like 2 weeks finishing those essays. I definitely still do that with application essays

THEN, I finally got in! I found out at like 12:30 in the morning, so I had to keep the news in the whole next day until I could tell Mom and Dad at the same time! I made those little papers for my parents and put them in boxes and made them open them together. They were pretty excited. I still like to tell big news in somewhat cheesy and creative ways... that's just me. 

That was one of the happiest moments of my life. Just seeing how happy and proud my parents were warmed my heart and still does. From that moment on, I started getting ready. I was actually pretty terrified. That summer before I left, I legit lost 10 pounds. I couldn't eat much because I had so much anxiety about leaving. Even with the anxiety, I was so stinking excited and I am still excited and proud to be attending this great university. It has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. 

I wanted to save this one for last because I feel that is has been one of the things that has affected me the most being in Utah. I love and appreciate my family so much more than I ever did before. I miss them all the time, but I am happy we have technology so I can call them whenever I want. We actually all Facetimed the other week on two separate phones so we could all talk together. (Everyone, but Lauren. She was there in spirit!)  I am literally counting down the days until I come home for Christmas and we don't have to Skype AND Facetime each other because we will actually be all together! It's going to be the best and I can't wait!

I could have gone back further and found more, but that would taken more time than this already did. It's always nice to look back at your life and see how you've grown. I have done a lot of growing in the past year and I still have a lot more to do, but I am thankful that I have stayed true to who I am. I haven't abandoned my weird self to try and be someone else and I am proud of myself for that. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I encourage you to take a little trip down your own memory lane and see how you have grown. I enjoyed it and I hope you do, too. 

-M. Philly

Abide With Me

Something I didn't think I would say before I moved out here to Utah is that I would be homesick a lot. Boy, was I wrong. I am sitting here studying for my Doctrine and Covenants test and listening to some hymns, hoping that the spiritual music will make the things I am studying stick in my mind better. As I am sitting here, I began to think of my family, as I do fairly often. I have been thinking of them more than usual this weekend with General Conference and I just miss them. My heart is heavy because I so want to be with them right now. I want to be sitting around laughing with them. I want to be playing games with them. I want to be laying in my bed, knowing they are just next door. I just feel a bit lonely and empty without them. It's funny that it's taken me almost 20 years to appreciate them as much as I do. I talk with my friends about family and I see how amazing mine is and how they are the perfect family for me. No other group of people could love me the way they do. I laugh more with them than I do with anyone else. I feel more joy when I am with them than I do anywhere else. I think, as we are apart from each other, of how happy the day will be when we can live together in Heaven for all time and eternity. When I get down like this, I have to keep reminding myself of that sweet blessing the Lord has given us. It motivates me to keep going and to try to be better so I can make it to the Celestial Kingdom with the rest of my family. I want, more than anything, to be with them forever in the presence of my Heavenly Father and my brother, Jesus Christ.

I was doing alright, sitting here studying, (and by fine I mean not crying or feeling overly emotional as I do now) until the hymn "Abide with Me" came on my playlist. Like I said, I sometimes feel lonely without my family, but I often forget that I do have family with me always. I have my Heavenly Father always watching over me every moment of every day. I have a brother who is walking with me every day and wraps his arms around me and can fill my heart with love, if I just let him. He is the only person that know exactly how I feel every moment of every day. I so easily get caught up thinking about not having my physical family here to hug me or be with me that I forget that he can bring those feelings of peace and love to my heart without physically being here. He is here and he is abiding with me. 

I pray that I can keep myself worthy of having Christ's and Heavenly Father's influence in my life, so I can feel their love through the precious gift of the Holy Ghost. I'll still miss my family and want them to be with me, but if I can remember to call upon the Lord when I am feeling lonely, I know my heart will feel whole and filled with love.

"Oh, Savior stay this night with me. Behold, tis' eventide." 

-M. Philly

https://play.spotify.com/track/4EkLfATJpgXuQotYgVeR8T

Callings

I have realized something as of lately. I really enjoy teaching! How have I realized this when I am in a time of my life where I am constantly being taught, but not really teaching? Well, I having a calling in church that allows me to teach. For those of you who are not aware, in my church we have callings which are basically jobs that we get to do. It's pretty great, if you ask me. My calling is to teach Relief Society, which is the Women's organization of the church. I get to teach the lovely girls in my ward and I have really enjoyed it so far.

Today was a particularly good lesson, not because of me, but because of the comments that the other girls made and the Spirit that was there. I will be honest that I did not prepare as much as I usually do for a lesson. I remember hearing from seminary teachers and other teachers how they just let the Spirit guide them through their lesson, so I kind of tried to do that. I really encouraged the girls to participate because they always have much better things to say than I do and they did. I love listening to what they have to add because it is always really awesome. I could really feel the spirit throughout that lesson a lot more than I have during any lesson I have taught. Sometimes when I teach and people add comments I don't always listen because I am thinking of what I need to say next, but today I didn't do that and I just listened. I really need to do that every time because I felt the spirit in a way I never have during a lesson. IT WAS AWESOME, PEOPLE!!!! Also, the lesson was about repentence, which is something I have a strong testimony of, so that helped me a lot, too. It's always nice to have people say that you've done a good job, but I love it when they say that they felt the spirit during the lesson because that's all that matters. I don't give lessons to make myself look good. I give them because I want to learn and to help other learn and strengthen their testimony. I don't even feel like I teach all that much because the comments that are made and the discussions we have as a class are what really bring the spirit. It's like my Granny says, "I'm not really teaching, just leading a disccusion." 

I love this calling and having the opportunity to teach or "lead disscussions" in church. It has already blessed me so much and I am so grateful for that. I love being a member of this church. I am so blessed to be where I am with the people I am with. I know this is what I am supposed to be doing and where I'm supposed to be. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true and it's so wonderful. I know that the Atonement is real and that Heavenly Father and Christ love me and are looking out for me. I know that because my lesson would not have gone as well as it did without them. MAN, I just love being a Mormon. If you're not one, you should be because it's basically the best thing in the world... just saying. :)

-M.Philly

People walk in, people walk out.

It's always difficult to start a post. Sometimes I can come up with creative things to say, but I'm at a loss for words today. With that, let's just dive in! I have found an odd new obsession since I moved out here to Utah. Now that I have a smart phone, which is so nice, especially since I don't take my laptop with me to campus, I can easily access the internet whenever I want. It's a pretty magical thing. With that, I have found myself reading tons and tons of articles. I have read some pretty interesting articles about lots of random things, but I find myself reading ones on like how to be a good person and who are the types of people you should be spending your time with. It's a lot of those cheesy ones that people post on Facebook, but I enjoy reading those the most. I have found a bunch that relate to me very well and others that I have learned some good stuff from. I was reading one the other day that talked about how you should surround yourself with people that lift you up, not bring you down. As I read that, I just thought about how I have done that pretty well as of late. I was laying in bed thinking last night how my life is filled with people who make me really happy. Let's just take a little look!
I love my roommates! They are some of the greatest girls I know. They have dealt with me for the past few months through the good and bad times. They have made me laugh when I needed it, they have cried with me when I read children's books to them, and they have laughed at me when I get crazy. They have given me so much good advice and helped me get over and through things. I would not be as happy as I am without them! We have lots of fun when we are together and I LOVE THEM!!!

I mean, look at the happiness!

 This was at Melissa's birthday party and we all couldn't stop laughing! These aren't all my roommates, but I love all these people! 

Our dear Suzanna, who we miss so much! She makes my heart so happy! :)

I got home the other night and sweet Melissa had gotten me some wonderful Spider-Man things. Oh, she knows me so well! I love her!!

 My best friend may be 2000 miles away, but anytime I need to talk or just need a good laugh, I know I can call or text her! She has done so much for me and I am so glad to have her in my life! Best friends since Kindergarten and I would't have it any other way!

She even went all the way to DC with me over Christmas break! :)

I have other friends that have been so great for me and have helped me and been just so awesome for me! My sisters have always been so great for me, too. No one makes me laugh the way they do! I wish I could be with them all the time, but even though we are all so far from each other, I know they would do anything to be there for me. Having them has been such a comfort to me even if they do pick on me.
Speaking of family, my parents are so spectacular. As I have gotten older and moved away, I have become so much more aware at how hardcore and awesome they are! I really miss them, but I love being able to call them and talk about what's going on. It's funny that being so far away, I feel closer to them than I ever have. I just appreciate them so much more than I did before. Also, being at BYU has given us different things to talk about and I am able to relate to them so much more because we have had similar experiences here in Provo. They listen to me talk about my life and give me advice about things, which means a lot to me. I love them so much and I'm so thankful to know we are sealed together, so they will be stuck with me FOREVER!

I've said this a lot, but I have learned so much in my few months here in Utah and I am thankful for all my experiences, both good and bad. I have become so much more independent, but I still need people to support me. My mom said to me today, "If you need help, don't be afraid to ask. Don't try to be too independent." I am just really glad to have people in my life that allow me to be independent, but are still there for me to lean on when I need them. That feels really good! Hooray for wonderful people and a wonderful life! :)

-M. Philly

Just say "HEY!"

Soooo, I have written a few things in the past month, but I have literally written them down on pen and paper because I always get in the mood to write when I am on campus and I never bring my laptop to campus with me. Maybe one day I will buckle down and type them up and post them, but I wouldn't count on it. Today I got a little inspired while on campus, but the thought is still in my mind, so I thought I better take advantage of this writing mood while it lasts.

Today was I was sitting in one of the buildings on campus, waiting for one of my classes to start and I saw a person that I know, but I don't REALLY know... it's quite a long story and a really embarrassing one at that, so I will just say that I don't think this person knows who I am and I'll leave it there. So I see this person, who happens to be a fairly attractive male and I thought "Oh my goodness, I need to talk to him. I need to say something to him. This is a sign that I should do something. I have been waiting for something like this to happen. This is a sign!!" Then the doubts creeped in and I was thinking "No way. What would I even say? I am terrible at talking to people. He looks pretty occupied. He is going to think I'm some crazy girl for just randomly talking to him." And then the ultimate thought came to my mind... "He probably doesn't even know I exist." That really got me thinking. How are we going to let people know that we exist if we are not willing to show them that we do!?

This is something that I have been thinking about and something that has been talked about among my friends lately. We tend to complain about not making a ton of new friends or we have guys that we see and would like to talk to or be friends with, but we don't do anything about it. As girls I think we sometimes think that we have to wait for the guys to come up and say something to us and if they don't then they are not interested. The thing is, if you are not willing to say or do something to let that person know that you exist, then they are never going to be interested because they aren't going to know you. I think the thing is that we as humans fear rejection. We are afraid to talk to people we don't know because they may not like us or want to talk to us at all. This goes for guys as well! The thing is, we can't be afraid to talk to people just because we are scared. If we do that then we will never have new people in our lives. We just have to be brave enough to take the risk and say "Hey!" or "I like your watch!" (That's my go-to line, if they have a watch...) If they are someone who is meant to be in your life, they will talk to you and things could happen, but if they brush you off like a jerk, well then they suck and you don't want them in your life anyway. We just have to stop being so afraid to fail because really, we are failing if we don't do anything at all.

So next time you see someone that you think you'd like to get to know, TALK TO THEM! Don't be afraid of rejection. You have just got to let them know that you exist!! I need to take my own advice and stop being so self-conscious and worrying about what people will think of me. This is the time in my life I need to be taking risks and talking to whoever the heck I want to, so I am going to try harder. I am going to be more brave and I hope you will be, too! :)

-M. Philly

Voices

SO, my first semester is pretty much over, except for my Political Science exam in the morning which I am actively procrastinating studying for. I was just thinking today how much I have learned this semester in the majority of my classes and I how I feel a lot closer to Heavenly Father then I did before. As I was thinking of this, I remembered this post that I wrote a month or two ago, but never posted. I figured now was a good time to share it since this semester has come to an end, so here it is...


Hello friends! I just wanted to share a really cool experience that I just had in one of my classes. First off, let me just say that I love BYU! Truly, it's such an amazing place and I love it more and more every day. Okay, no I'm in a Voice Phonetics and Diction class. It is a class that technically I don't need to be taking since I changed my major, but I just decided to keep it because I figured it would be a good class that I could learn from. At first, things were a little different and I wasn't really enjoying it, but then there would be good days. Today was an absolutely fantastic day. This morning, while walking to campus, I was saying a prayer to myself because I'm a failure and forgot to kneel down and say one before I left. Anyway, I prayed to really feel the spirit with me today because there were some things going on today that I knew I would need a little bit more spiritual guidance and help. Immediately I felt the spirit and that was awesome and I went off to my 8AM Book of Mormon class. I love that class too and my professor, who is hilarious. That's just back story, so I go to my voice class at 11 and I walk in knowing we are working on our poem performances. We got into groups and started working. I was in a group and our professor was leading our group. This class is a lot about releasing tension, breathing, and just letting go of things to allow our voices to reach their max potential, so we were all supposed to get up in front of our group and recite our poem and allow the other group members to show us where our tension was and to help us release it. We had done this on Monday, but not quite like this. This professor is simply amazing. Person after person, she was able to identify where they hold their tension and why. The reasons ranged from not feeling you're good enough to just hearing the negative instead of the positive. Each person, she would tell them where the tension was and why it was there and it was completely true on every account, which lead to a few tears and positive reinforcement. My professor just kept saying how much she BELIEVED in each person she was working with and how amazing they were and how they are capable and it was completely sincere. There was never a moment that I thought she was just saying these things because she had to. She was saying them because she meant them and she wanted each person to know she was there for them! I didn't even get to go and I was completely overwhelmed with the spirit and a new love and appreciation for each person in that group, as well as my professor! It was simply amazing! It's hard to even describe how I felt or even what happened, but it was something I really needed. She said that we were meant to be where we are and with the particular people we are with and I know that is 100% true. I have never been able to feel anything like that in any of my classes and I am so looking forward to the rest of what this class has in store to teach me. I have learned a lot about myself from this class, which I really didn't think would happen. I could not be more thankful to go to a university that doesn't just allow it's students to move forward secularly, but spiritually. It's absolutely amazing and I KNOW without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be and that makes me happy. Really and truly happy.

That class seriously did change me and the way that I view myself and others. It sounds cheesy, but I was really able to find my "voice" in this class. It was exactly the class I needed for this first semester at BYU and I am so happy I got to take it, along with all my classes... well, except Political Science which I could have easily done without. Anyway, this place has been good for me and I am happy that I get to stick around here and learn so many new things for the next couple years! For now though, I am going to enjoy not doing any school work for the next two weeks... after my last final tomorrow, of course!

-M. Philly

Different than I imagined...

Whoa... I can't believe that my first semester of BYU is almost over. I will be done with my classes this week and then it will be time for finals! It's crazy!!! These past few months have gone by so fast. I never could have imagined how much my life would change in just these few months. Guys, for real... Things have turned out a lot differently than I thought. I had made so many plans and had so many ideas of what my life was going to be like here, but those were not the plans that were meant for me, I guess. One of the only things that I did plan on happening that has happened is that I am happy... SO happy. SOSOSOSOSOSO HAPPY! Sorry to get a little carried away, but there is no other way I could express it right now. I always knew I was going to be happy here, but I figured I would find happiness in different ways than I have.

Before I came out here I figured that I would have a roommate or two that would not like me or would be grumpy just because of all the horror stories I had heard about roommates from people, but my roommates have been one of the biggest sources of happiness if my life. I cannot say enough how amazing my roommates are. They have become some of my best friends. We all get along and we sit around telling stories about our days or our lives. We are always laughing. There have been many nights that involved me laying on the floor of my bedroom, laughing until I cry or I am literally in pain from laughing so hard. We have gone on quite a few adventures, which are always fun and exciting. They listen to me and they love me despite my craziness. I am always excited to come home everyday and see their smiling faces. I love them so very much and I could not have imagined having such perfect roommates to make my experience here even better.

This is only 3 of the 5 roommates I have, but I just love this picture.

School has actually been a source of joy in my life, too. Sure, it's still school and there are plenty of things that I don't enjoy about it like homework and projects and papers, but I have learned so much from my classes this semester. The only class that I really don't enjoy is Political Science, but really... who would enjoy that class. I call it my nap class because that is all I do. Anyway, I have really come to love the rest of my classes. I have been able to learn so much. I have learned a ton more about the Book of Mormon in my Book of Mormon class and my teacher is super fantastic and interesting. I have learned more about theatre and acting that have helped me to better my talents. I have learned so much about myself, my voice, and how I live my life. All my professors are amazing and I cannot express how thankful I am to be at a university that creates an environment that allows the Spirit to be present. I have learned so much more here than I could have at any other university. I freaking love BYU, end of story.

I have made some pretty good friends here too who have made me really happy. We have people at our apartment a lot and we always have a good time. We have gone on many fun adventures, some of which I will never forget... for many reasons. My ward has been so fantastic, too. My testimony has been strengthened a lot because of my ward. I have also made friends in most of my classes, too. They make my classes much more entertaining and even give me more insight in classes. They all make me very happy and cheer me up when I am down just by being themselves. I am very thankful for them all.

This is my Family Home Evening family and they are so fantastic. :)

I have learned so much about myself and what my weaknesses are and what my strengths are. I have gone through some interesting experiences. There have been bad days and hard weeks. There have been moments where I wish I could have gone home and cry to my mom, but those feelings passed and usually pretty quickly. I had a hard couple weeks when a lot of things came crashing down on me and things ended and I was a little down, but I learned a lot about myself in those weeks. I was able to get over things and move on. I gained a lot more confidence in myself and I just realized that I am kinda really awesome and that I can do anything I want to do because I am capable. My testimony was strengthened and I have been so much happier since then because of all those reasons above. I have learned that things don't always turn out the way you plan, but they always turn out the way they are supposed to. I believe that with all my heart.

Overall, I am just so dang happy and I am loving my life. I have honestly never been this happy and I have so many people to thank for that. Only a couple weeks until I get to go home and I am so excited to see my family and my friends, who I have missed very much and I get to snuggle with my sweet little nephews, who are the cutest things ever. Oh, those precious little boys!! Anyway, that is all for now. Thanks for being you! :)

-M. Philly